Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The one with a minute for therapy

Halle in 2007

It started four years ago today.

Memories find there way to the surface this time each year and with everything going on lately, this year is no exception.

January 25, 2007

I had picked Halle up from her dance class but didn't go home because I didn't want to be alone. Kevin was working so late every night so he was often sleeping at his parents' house in Springville. So instead of driving home to Eagle Mountain, I went to the Farr's to hang out for a while.

It was around 8 PM. I was typing a letter to my nephew Christopher who was getting baptized. Halle, 3 years old, was playing in the kitchen, a few feet away but where I couldn't see her. I heard her make a subtle noise; something between a sniff and a grunt.

Halle is having a seizure.

The impression came out of no where. I had never been around seizures and so I had no reason to associate that sound on my own. Nevertheless and as crazy as this sounds, I somehow knew immediately what was going on. Instinctively I ran to her. My mother in law, Tamara, was in the kitchen with her.

"Halle is having a seizure," she said confirming what I already knew.

I watched in disbelief. Her head to one side, crazy eyes, groaning, awkwardly walking in disoriented circles. I grabbed her to me.

"Halle! Halle honey, can you see me? Hall, look at me baby. Can you you hear me. . ."

"She can't hear you, Mari."

It was awful. I was right there, but I was still on the outside and I couldn't take it away from her.

I immediately called the Instacare. Then I called Kevin. He'd grown up seeing these with his sister and so it hit him even harder than I had anticipated. While talking to him, Kevin's sister called up the stairs to me, "She is having another one!"

Kevin was there within a few minutes and we drove together to the ER.

You know how sometimes you are sick and by the time you get to the doctor you start to feel better and so you end up feeling like an idiot? Well, that is what I expected to happen. I figured we'd get to the ER, they wouldn't see a thing, we'd get back home and forever think, "Well that was a really weird scare." So it was really unreal when we got there and the seizures kept right on coming. And coming. And coming.

That first night was very traumatic for us. I was the type of mom at the time who could barely get through an immunization shot without crying. So when they started that first IV and she screamed and screamed I had to leave while Kevin held her down. I could still hear it down the hall. It was awful.

They took her to a room with a long table to sedate her for an MRI to check for tumors and abnormalities in her brain. She would have to hold absolutely still to perform the test. However she wouldn't fall asleep. She would start to relax and then a seizure would wake her up, she'd frantically look around for me, trying wildly to get off the table.

They ended up having to strap her down; her arms, legs, chest, forehead and chin and then gave her another dose of sedative. Halle however is a fighter and very cluster phobic. She was panicking so hard they again gave her more. Still trying to communicate, her words were slow and slurred..."Mooommmmm!! Mommmmmmm, Mommmmmeeeeeeeeeee!" Her eyes were still trying to find me and tears running down her cheeks. I'll never forget that hour and a half we got her sedated. A sweet nurse sang Primary songs with me in her ear, trying to get her to relax. I remember crying when I realized she was still in her leotard and ballet shoes from dance class.

She was just barely fine! She's always been healthy! I just need to get her home so I can tuck her in her bed where she belongs.

The nurse and techs discussed which drugs would be ok to combine for her age etc. They explained they usually didn't combine this and that but they were pretty confident it would be fine. I remember so well the feelings watching them inject more and more into her IV. "ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!?!" I heavily felt the responsibility for my little girl. Waiting to wake up from the nightmare.

Luckily, I'll toughened up a LOT now, but that first night was unforgettable. It was 4 years RIGHT NOW and the feelings still sting.

Here's 2 links to older posts I wrote about it:



Easter Day Miracle 2007

Life can sure take you for a ride, can't it? Sheesh. People have said things like, "At least you've been through this before and so now you know what you're doing with your boys." There is a little truth in that but overall it does NOT feel that way. With Drew it is devastating because it's my DREW. Dawson is devastating because it's my DAWSON. It's all the same thing but completely different. With Halle it took her personality away. Drew is older, is aware and somewhat understands which has pros, and also plenty of cons. Dawson is tiny and so trusting it breaks my heart every time. All 3 situations, all 3 kids, it's altogether and individually just plain hard.

I know it's not great to always dwell on these memories but tonight writing this feels so therapeutic. I'm so grateful and blessed that Halle and Drew are doing so well right now. Dawson will get there too. I know we have so many blessings.

However, I won't lie and say it's not hard every single day. For some reason, even though things are so much better for the time being, this after depression stuff has been overwhelming. It probably has something to do with facing the reality without the adrenaline and protection that "survival mode" brings. Epilepsy sucks because it's not something that often "goes away" and EVEN IF/WHEN IT DOES you still live with "When is it coming back?" Will I be there to take care of them? Would it take Halle's sweet personality again? Will it show up when they are older and driving? Could it hold them back from living their own dreams? The seizures themselves don't scare me as much anymore, it's the long-term-scary thoughts that I have to accept not having answers to.

I know this is looking WAY TOO ahead of things and so I KNOW I need to just have FAITH, REMEMBER this life is only part of the big picture, take ONE day at a time. . . blah blah yadda yadda. Trust me, if I didn't already know this I wouldn't be able to function at all. However, right NOW, I am letting myself just remember, talk and feel, and that's ok. I'll get past this moment and be just fine. I just need a minute so I can get there.


Vocal Majority said...

I was just skimming blogs and came across yours. Not something I usually do, in fact it is the first time I have done that.
I cannot imagine what you went through, especially the first time with the little girl. I can think of nothing to say other than your family is in my prayers and I wish you all the the best.